Sign of the Times

Hey guys! It's been a while. Taking a month break from writing anything in this blog without any advance notice is quite tame coming from me y'all! Apalah sangat sebulan kan menyepi? Aku dah pernah buat lagi lamaa lagi daripada tempoh waktu ni. Still ok saja kan? No one is getting hurt. No one cares really. Bitter tetiba.

Let's say something came up and effect my whole mood. I no longer interested to write anymore. Despite of me having tons of ideas to write dozen of blog posts I felt demotivated. I felt what's the point with writing anymore. This feeling, this shitty felling is normal for me I guess. It will come on and off suka hati dia saja. Kalau ada yang follow blog ni sejak 2014 lagi, mesti perasan my personal pattern ni.

1. Beriya update blog. Siap kata this comeback will change the content of this blog. 

2. Promising tons of contents and constant update (janji manis, tanam tebu)

3. Everything seems good... for a while

4. Starts to miss deadline.

5. Vanish for a month or two or even years.

6. Repeat the cycle

Lepas tu merungut kata kenapa tak ada readers? Hello.. keep your blog updated consistently first and then we can start talk about numbers. lol. Ni macam split personaliti pulak tiba-tiba gaduh dengan diri sendiri dalam ni.

And I wish I could say this. "Hey guys! Guess what? Despite of me not actively writing post last month, I've secretly have completed a side project called 'XXX' and I will publish it soon. Yay!"

But guess what? I've done nothing. What a bummer. Life has become cruel lately and I'm not blaming life for it. It's solely because of me. Listening to Amy's Back to Black seems more appropriate now. ☺

This started to become a ranting post pulak kan? Sedar tak sedar panjang pula taipnya. And I've noticed if I am ranting in a super saiyan mode I will write in English more. Like wth? English will not turn your ranting stuff into some sophisticated high quality content. PLUS your English is not even that good. <<< Split personality lagi. Oh, jangan salah faham. I'm not writing this post to beg for supportive comments, motivation etc. It's more like a reminder to myself that I need to fix my shit up and not live in some delusional fantasy bubble anymore. Or maybe I'll stuck there and then gone forever. We never know~! *mengilai*. Wtf with me? Hahaha. Cerita pasal something lepas tu sidetrack cerita something yang dark and gloomy pula. 

The point is... I'll try to figure out what contents that I want to write after this because some of previous blog posts felt kinda 'off' or 'forced'. I need to fix this first. Then I'll write something up. Maybe about my cats? or my experience being a farmer in Stardew Valley or maybe nothing at all and vanish for another 3 months the write something similar like this post again but with GIFs! lol. You can start your betting now!

So see you soon?

Deep

Beberapa bulan lepas aku berharap masa bulan April tiba nanti akan ada perubahan positif dalam kehidupan aku sehari-hari. Aku akan tinggalkan kehidupan yang lama dan mulakan era kehidupan yang baru. Well, April sudah tiba dan of course I'm a bit happier than before but still this is not what I wanted. 

Aku dah agak dah perasaan ini akan berkunjung tiba juga. Walhal hati kecil aku pun ada berbisik memberi petanda perkara ini akan terjadi tapi aku macam buat tak kisah saja. Mungkin bahagian diri aku yang pesimis cuba datang nak mengacau.

Kadang-kadang aku fikir kenapa aku tak macam orang lain? Just follow the system. I mean working 8 to 5 and then sleep, then repeat this cycle until the end of my life.Why I have this feeling of proving to myself that I can do more than this. Even worse is that on which path should I go? Which path could bring me to the extinct of happiness or satisfaction that I really wanted? 

Am I reading too much about the ideal concept of having a better life? Thus deluded my feeling in getting a wrong perception. Or am I being bombarded too much with the ideology of millennial coming of age? Which in some degree we could achieve success and satisfaction of life in other different ways compared to other older generation.

This is getting serious out of sudden. lol. But forgive me this thing just bothered me since my college day. And years after that it still haunted me whenever it can. When things got way too complicated I will try to brush it off my mind like it is not a big deal. Hence, the unsolved problematic keep on dragging until now.

When setting the 'goal' of our existence in life what do we really want? Or specifically my own self. Being rich? Becoming famous? etc. and after that what else? I've tried to set up the goals to non-monetary stuff but again when you don't have enough money it is just impossible. 

Just to be clear, I'm glad at what state I am right now even though it is not what I really wanted. Hoping that one day, that one random day, that I will found 'it' and can declared myself to be free from this shitty feeling once for all. Who knows maybe it is just a simple thing.

Diverge

Let's say that I'm not happy with what I'm doing right now. The term 'happy' itself can be subjective and different depends on individual. Some people can have a chocolate bar and can considered them self happy but to some, having a chocolate is not enough. It must filled with nuts and made with white chocolate. And maybe to some having one bite of chocolate is merely enough. Life is tricky I know. It can be more tricky if you do not know what is the purpose of your life. 

I've been constantly asking myself whether what I am doing all these years is really what I wanted in my life. Deep down in my heart I know it is not. But due to other commitments, I can't get out from this situation yet. Not now. Plus, when I look at to my surrounding, almost everyone didn't feel happy with what they are doing right now but still doing it for the sake of 'living'. I should be ok.

Almost a decade after that, it comes back. After repressing it for so long it haunts me back. Maybe it was triggered by recent changes that happened in my life. But why do I have this feeling? Why can't I just ignore it and just move with follow? Why there is so much resistance?

Perhaps I can't be like them. Like people from surrounding. I need to found out what is 'happy' meant for me. So I've decided to make a drastic decision to change my life. It is about time that I'm thinking about myself. Not from other people's view about happiness and applied it into my life. I'm not going to repress it once again and when it comes for the third time it's just to late to do anything. Let's be honest here when you are 40-ish and you feel like making major changes in your life, it is quite hard. Possible but hard. 

It is was risky decision. I know it. There are tons of possibilities that will happen next. I'm not going to sugar coat anything by saying that I'm not worried. I am. But at least for the first time in my life I'm going to take the lead and decided for myself where it is going to be next. Wish me luck.

Nintendo Switch And My Broken Heart

Let me get this straight to the point. I want a Nintendo Switch.

For the last past months, technically last year when Nintendo officially declared that the next gen of their game console will be called as Nintendo Switch, I knew that I need this thing in my life. But first thing first, some introduction. My first game device is Nintendo New 3DS XL (Let's called it as N3DS shall we. We are not going to waste either you or my time by typing that lengthy name) which was purchased by using my own hard work money back in 2014.

My first game console was neither PS2 nor Gameboy Colour like most common kids. My childhood was filled with me standing at the corner (alone) while watching people playing this thing on TV. I could not even dare to ask my father to buy this thing because it was waay too expensive. But fortunately he did indulge me with more practical toys. 

But I knew deep down in my heart when I saw a group of (untalented) people playing Mario on PS1 at the burger stall during Pasar Malam, that I was born as a gamer. Fast forward to almost 2 decades, I finally managed to have my own game device. Unfortunately, my dream game console would be something that can be played on TV. That is either PS4 or XBox. For your information, N3DS is a handheld game console and the main reason I bought it in the first place was because it is cheaper and it didn't need me to buy another additional stuff to play a game such as a TV.

Don't get me wrong, I love my N3DS. I highly recommended you guys to buy it. The game library is huuuuge and filled with amazing game titles to be chosen from. (If only I manage to play another game by moving on with Animal Crossing. It's been like what? 2 years? Help!). You will not regret yourself by buying it.

On January 2017 finally Nintendo decided to shed some light by sharing more information. Apparently it is a hybrid game console which you can play either by using a TV or play it as a handheld mode while on the go. DAMN IT! Basically now I can play game with beautiful visual which is far more superior than the visual on N3DS (Sorry. But I still love you) while at the same I can wait for my next year bonus to buy a TV. This is fantastic.

Just watch these video to feel and grasp the awesomeness of this device.

While waiting for 3rd March to arrived and blessing our world, I have calculated and create some budget plans. With a device that cost USD299 should not be a problem right. I can eat less, stay at home, fasting on Monday, avoiding any social events that cost money and if we translated it into our currency it should be around RM1,500 right? or at least max to RM1,700 right, right?

I WAS WRONG!

A few days ago some of the main game retailers here in Malaysia finally revealed the price.

EXPENSIVE NAK MATI.

Mind you that we can't buy the console alone but only together with 2 games hence the insane price. 

My heart shatters like glass. I'm sad. I can't play Zelda anymore. I can't imagine myself holding those colourful, vibrant joy-con anymore and dance my ass out to Dance Revolution 2017. At that price like that I can buy a freaking PS4 Pro which is waaay powerful compared to Nintendo Switch. But the Zelda game alone is just enough reason for me to buy this thing.

Just like Lady Gaga new song "Million Reasons"

Me: I've got a hundred million reasons to walk awaaaaay~~! But baby, I just need one good one to stay.
Switch: Legend of Zelda
Me: Ok.

But still, why are they doing this to me? Why everything must be expensive when it comes to region like South East Asia. Why Nintendo didn't want to have official distributors here? Why we must go through to some third party agent? WHY?

I guess I will wait maybe until next year for a price drop. And that time there will be variety games available. *sedapkan hati* Now back playing with Animal Crossing.

Endless Dark Pit

Macam biasa antara aktiviti harian aku ialah melayari YouTube untuk check out video-video yang interesting daripada list channel yang aku dah subscribe. FYI, aku dah lama tak tengok TV. So one video really grab my interest. It is from a channel called Simon & Martina. Mungkin sesetengah antara korang pernah dengar dan mungkin tidak. Below is the video if you interested enough to watch it.

Some brief explanation about the content of this channel. It is about a married couple named Simon and Martina doing some various videos of them experiencing thing while living in a foreign country. Dulu dekat Korea sekarang dekat Jepun. Now about this video. Korang dah boleh agak kan apa isi kandungan dia berdasarkan tajuk tu sendiri. But first aku nak highlight, Martina's personality is funny, lovable and full of life. Bila dia open up about her depression, I really felt it. Oh heck I didn't know that she has depression at all before watching this video.

Firstly, I never assumed myself having depression because it is not fair for people who really have it. Sebab sekarang ada rising trend bila orang senang sangat self classified of having depression padahal mungkin hanya perasaan sedih yang normal. Lepas tu mula seek for attention. Based from this trend lah yang aku rasa majoriti umat manusia di alam maya mula start salah anggap kalau orang depress ni sebenarnya suka buat 'pity party' untuk orang kasihan dia. It is bad sebab aku rasa awareness tentang depresi dekat Malaysia ni tak meluas mana. With this people creating this bad stigma, we are not going anywhere on how to educate people with this serious issue.

Again, I don't know that I have depression or not tapi yang pastinya aku ada insecurities aku sendiri dimana aku ada tulis mengenai isu ini. Mungkin perasaan insecurity ni tak sama dengan isu depresi tapi maybe it can leads to this illness.

Aku pernah berhadapan dengan satu situasi bila ada orang start judging kenapa certain orang sanggup buat keputusan yang tak munasabah (attempt suicide etc.) apabila satu-satu masalah timbul. Lepas tu beberapa bulan kemudian orang yang sama jokingly (maybe) said that dia rasa nak terjun bangunan sebab dia tengah runsing dengan masalah yang dia ada. See, you won't know the real thing until you feel it yourself.

Back again with the video, there is one word that struck me in my heart when she said,

"Why not do things that you wanna do if you willing to end it all?"

Looking Back at 2016

Sepatutnya pada waktu-waktu pra-peralihan tahun begini aku biasanya akan busy buat blog entry back to back mengenai favourite Top 3, 5, 7 atau any nombor ganjil ko rasa mampu nak senaraikan semua benda yang aku boleh fikir sepanjang tahun 2016. Yang pastinya 90% pembaca tak akan amik kisah dan rasa ingin tahu pun in the first place. Itu pun kalau blog ko ada pembaca. But this time around I'm not in the mood to do the listing stuff. Screw ALL that!

How about we tone it down, being a little bit (raw) personal with me just simply writing nonsense (again!). Bertabahlah dengan aku pelis, entry kali ni mungkin akan penuh huruf. I didn't how many paragraphs it's going to be. Dan mungkin kalau aku rajin sikit aku akan letak gambar.

NAAAH!!

Ughh! Aku tak gemar betul idea bila blogger nak buat post panjang sikit ke apa ko dinasihatkan untuk at least letak gambar, kalau tak ada gambar sendiri carilah gambar lain dekat Google Images, Pinterest ke ke apa janji letak supaya readers tak mudah bosan. To be honest aku memang tak minat letak gambar kalau entry-entry bebel macam ni unless aku review benda ataupun buat entry travelling. Penat nak fikir letak gambar yang bersesuaian.

2016, personally aku rasa was quite a shitty year. Faktor ni tak berkaitan dengan many deaths of celebrities, the winning of Trump etc. Ini disebabkan aku rasa macam banyak betul dugaan datang bertimpa-timpa. Moment happy tu usually sekejap gila lepas tu berdeeeret 4-5 hari macam-macam benda datang. And seldom people say that how is life works. Like can't life be filled with happiness and less sadness instead the way around?

As one of the easily person to be sad over bad things, (but I managed to handle it well these past few years) normal lah rasa kecewa bila something bad happened. Tipu lah kalau ada orang satu tahun tu semua bahagia, come on ni bukan Instagram (or InstaBAHAGIA what I usually called. yup with the intentional capital letter) where you can choose which happy moment nak tunjuk dekat orang lepas tu bagi some sort of illusion hidup ko bahagia. In real life we can't do that choosing stuff but as for me when life trying to bite my ass. HARD. I simply choose to react to it by sucking it up and move on with my life. I admit this method is working for me but only for a duration of time. Aku realize bila suck it up memanjang sahaja and not deal with it, dia akan lama-lama jadi toksin dalam hati, slowly eating your heart and soul lepas tu ko akan jadi heartless. Lagi kronik at some point bila dah banyak sangat dia akan keluar mencurah dan masa tu lah rasa depressed bagai.

That is one thing. Another thing with 2016 is, aku rasa aku macam meluat betul dengan orang secara amnya. Majority of people that I've dealt with are people that tend to be selfish, ignorant and somehow self-centered aku macam boleh lost hope dengan humanity. Dia sampai satu tahap kesan dia kalau pandang strangers aku tak boleh fikir benda-benda baik dah. Menyerkap jarang saja. Mana perginya orang-orang baik? I need to meet them! At least sorang dua ke untuk restore balik my hope towards humanity. Definisi baik disini aku maksud bukannya orang yang tolong ko dalam kesusahan ke apa tapi sifat humane sense tu sendiri, treating people in a better way, being considerate, compassionate, tolerant etc. I've yet to meet this kind of people with my own eyes. Ah! Maybe it is all my fault of living in my own bubble. Tak berjumpa orang. Bila some people treat me that way lepas tu terus buat konklusi semua orang bersikap benda yang sama. Ok! fine. Mingle with more people *catit dalam journal 2017*

Then I've got this epiphany yang macam kalau orang treat ko macam asshole, apa kata ko pun jangan jadi asshole sama dengan treat orang lain dengan cara yang sama. Jangan tambah lagi peratus puak-puak suku umat manusia ni. Be nice. If not towards them; the assholes in this case, but to other people. 

Smile to the cleaners, say good morning to them masa nak pergi toilet ataupun tolong tahankan pintu lif sementara tunggu semua orang masuk, hantar troli supermarket kembali ke tempatnya, ucapkan terima kasih lebih banyak lagi kepada orang etc. Benda-benda kecil macam ni lah bila aku buat rasa puas dia lain macam sikit. And I was like 'I'm not a heartless bitch after all rupanya!' Tapi siyes lah mana orang baik weh. HAHAHA. Oh ya! This remind me to some random story pasal ada cubaan orang nak bunuh diri by jumping of a bridge. Masa perjalanan dia menuju ke tempat nak terjun tu if someone just smile at him, he might change his mind not to commit suicide. How powerful is that with that small action? Walaupun benda-benda kecil ni kita rasa tak ada bagi kesan apa-apa mungkin pada orang lain kita tak tahu impak dia besar macam mana. We just don't know.

Walaupun ni kedengaran macam klise af, aku macam nak cuba satu exercise (I can't believe I'm doing this) dimana setiap hari at least aku nak catat 1 atau 2 benda yang aku bersyukur terjadi pada diri sendiri. Aku selalu jugak dengar pasal 'Gratitude Exercise' ni tapi tak pernah buat sendiri. So dalam masa sebulan aku nak tengok ada tak effect dia kepada diri sendiri. Sebab aku perasan aku selalu juga merungut fikir kenapa diri sendiri selalu ditimpa benda-benda musibah walhal ada banyak nikmat lain yang aku sendiri tak perasan sebab dah terbiasa sangat. Senang cerita 'tenggelam dalam nikmat'. Sebagai contoh bila sakit baru nak appreciate waktu sihat, tapi bila sihat tak bersyukur pulak. Ataupun sekecil-kecil nikmat macam remote kereta rosak so setiap kali nak kunci kereta kena manually lock. Leceh betul bila ko dah jauh dari kereta baru sedar remote rosak so kena patah balik sebab nak lock balik. Bila dah tak ada baru rasa convenient betul tapi masa ada langsung tak hargai sampai ke satu tahap tak perasan langsung pun fungsi ni memudahkan hidup kita. That little things.

How about we do this gratitude stuff together and at the end of this month I will tell you I how I feel about it. Adakah ia rasa lebih positif ataupun tak ada apa-apa kesan. And you might share your experience together with me. Deal?

So here is hope for a better new year. Or at least I'm hoping so.  

Thing Myself Say When...

Warning: Entry tidak mempunyai gambar.

Kadang-kadang boleh tahan jugak sakit hati dengan diri sendiri. Bayangkan masa zaman remaja dulu dengan kehidupan yang masih naif, kurang kedut dimuka, stamina masih lagi tinggi (lol), macam banyak gila benda nak dibuat tapi terbantut dengan alasan kurang sumber. Contoh macam ni:

'Teringin nak pergi [masukkan nama tempat disini], tapi...'

a. tak cukup duit, nanti masa akhir semester nak makan apa? Bestnya kalau ada kerja boleh simpan duit sikit untuk pergi mana-mana.

b. tak ada transport lah. Kan best kalau ada kerete sendiri. Tak payah susah-susah nak cari bas bagai.

c. seronoknya kalau ada kawan yang boleh join sekali, Tak ada lah macam terpinga-pinga nak pergi sorang-sorang.

d. jauh sangat tempat ni. Kenapa tak dekat je. Kenapalah [masukkan kawasan tempat tinggal] tak ada tempat yang best-best.

e. blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah.

f. hurmm... haaah. hurmmm (Tak tau alasan apa lagi nak bagi tapi berdegil nak mengeluh jua)

*fast foward ke masa depan semasa sudah berkerja*

'Teringin nak pergi [masukkan nama tempat disini], tapi...'

a. tak ada masa lah, banyak sangat rasanya komitmen nak kena buat. Balik-balik kerja dah malam. Tak sempat!

b. susah nak cuti lah. Dulu waktu belajar ada waktu lapang banyak. Senang nak rancang pergi mana-mana. Ni kalau cuti pun weekend or public holiday memang ramai lah orang pergi tempat yang nak dipergi tu. 

c. tak cukup duit lah. (DUIT LAGI!) nak bayar loan sana sini. Last-last tinggal untuk savings dengan duit makan saja. Ko rasa?!

d. Kan best kalau blah blah blah...

e. *bebel tak berenti*

In fact rasanya aku memang sedar tapi kadang-kadang buat tak sedar sebenarnya all these a, b, c or you can call it as nonsense whatsoever tu adalah purely alasan saja padahal either ko a) hangat-hangat tahi ayam nak pergi or b) malas. Sebabnya ko keep on creating excuses and more excuses konon nak justify ko memang tak boleh nak buat satu-satu benda tu. Walaupun pepatah ni klise af 'Hendak seribu daya, tak nak seribu dalih' tapi dia dia adalah relevan af.

Aku bagi lah contoh diri sendiri. Example pasal event Big Bad Wolf (BBW). Masa zaman belajar dulu, aku gila meroyan nak pergi event ni (masa ni BBW tak sediakan basket dan troli and you literally need boxes to fill in your books. Rupa macam homeless dah usung kotak ni sana-sini)  Setiap kali baca blog entry orang lain pasal experience diorang pergi BBW ni (blog was a thing this time around) rasa dengki meluap-meluap tengok. Ko gila ke buku semua murah-murah melampau, sebagai pembaca tegar (at that time) mestilah nak pergi. Jimat duit. 

But I didn't get to go I guess to their first or second year, dengan alasan-alasan klise di atas. But demmit! bila ko apply papatah klise tu. I've finally managed to go there.. unharmed. With at that time aku tengah study area Johor dan BBW usually buat dekat area Selangor. It was quite far kalau nak naik bas, takut rasa penat, nanti nak tidur mana? Takde sapa nak teman ke? Selamat ke? Nak beli tiket macam mana? All over again with unnecessary excuses. 

Tapi at that time rasa determine lantak lah apa nak jadi (ditambah pula dengan darah muda acah rebel Star Wars: Rogue One) capai beg isi apa barang patut terus pergi station bus beli tiket on the spot alone, pergi waktu pagi, start survey buku dari tengah hari sampai subuh esoknya! Lepas tu balik macam zombie waktu pagi-pagi buta. Sekarang, mana perginya alasan a, b, c bagai ko tadi?

Contoh lain? Remember dekat blog lama aku (tak habis lagi move on kan), meroyan tak tentu pasal kata bestnya kalau dapat pergi itu ini. Guess what? Again dengan dengan budget ciput student plus dengan ko nya yang anti sosial, kenderaan tak ada itu ini. Aku managed pergi ke Melaka, Seremban etc. Sekarang, sekali lagi mana perginya ko punya alasan a, b, c bagai tu?

Kembali kepada waktu sekarang, again bila aku mula merungut tak boleh buat itu ini. After all this while, ko tak perasan ke ko dah lalui semua benda ni?? Dan mostly bila aku merungut ialah masa baring atas katil. HAAA! Let's be frank kadang-kadang memang ada time bila betul-betul tak boleh nak buat sesuatu sebab well, kita hanya merancang. But most of the time we or should I say I keep on creating problem that should not exist in the first place. Paranoid tak tentu hala.

Macam dulu nak tulis blog konon harapannya kalau lah ada kamera yang berkualiti mesti bersemangat nak tulis blog kalau ada gambar-gambar menarik. Tapi bila dah ada kamera digital sendiri, gambar ntah ke mana blog ntah ke mana and I've once stop completely writing any post for about 1-2 years after that. Sekarang mana relevan kamera cantik = banyak blog post tadi?

Bukan pasal tulis blog saja tapi benda lain juga macam at one time aku pernah rasa kalau ada kamus ni blah blah mesti proficiency bahasa aku akan bagus melambung-lambung dalam 3-4 bulan. Bitch, you are delusional. Bila dah ada bukan 1, tapi 3 kamus dan satu daripadanya adalah freaking mahal punya kamus yang mengakibatkan diri sendiri merana dihujung bulan nak survive duit dah habis tapi lepas tu kemajuan yang nak dicapai tak seperti yang diharapkan. After owning this stuff mostly start buat benda-benda melagho lantas terus lupa nak buat apa yang patut in the first place. This sounds like me dishing out my own dirt, haha, but joking aside aku nak remind balik diri sendiri yang sebenarnya ia kembali pada diri sendiri. Please tell me that you can relate to this. Bukan aku sorang saja struggle pasal ni. (Mula drag semua orang).

*tengok cermin*

If you wanted to do it. Then do it.  

Membebel Pasal Fantastic Beasts & Where To Find Them

Bulan lepas aku ada sort of beriya kata nak buat entry pasal 'Fantastic Beast & Where To Find Them' (FB) demi meraikan kemunculan kisah ini ke skrin putih. Malah sampai ke satu tahap sebelum nak tengok movie ni aku bercadang nak buat entry khas untuk bagi rasa hype sama macam aku buat 3 entry back to back bersempena pelancaran game Pokemon Sun & Moon.

Tapi nampaknya plan tu tak menjadi. Don't get me wrong. Aku dah ready semua nak buat entry pasal ni dengan idea kasar nak identify semua magical beast yang muncul dalam semua trailer FB ( ada 3 kalau tak salah) dan buat sedikit keterangan pasal setiap haiwan ini. Plus, ingat tak aku ada suruh baca buku FB terdahulu? Yup, mula-mula ingat nak buat keterangan berdasarkan buku ni lepas tu boleh lah nerding all the way through pasal the new side of magical world of J.K Rowling all over again. I even have already identified Bowtruckle, Niffler, Demiguise etc. in there and even that legendary Thunderbird (FYI Thunderbird my school house if I decided to learn my magical stuff at Ilvermony instead of Hogwarts).

Tapi somehow after watching the movie I felt.... something is missing. Perasan dia macam tak ada benda nak fikirkan sangat dan aku move on dengan life and I wonder why. To be honest aku sebenarnya patut sedar yang aku bukan peminat karya Harry Potter dalam medium wayang gambar sejak daru dulu lagi. Call me as the bitter book fans whatsoever I don't care tapi dunia keajaiban Harry Potter sangat menyerlah dan kaya dalam bentuk penulisan. Secara personal aku tak boleh nak angkat 8 filem HP sama taraf dengan the original material. HAH! Jangan ingatkan kembali momen bila Warner Bros amik keputusan untuk jadikan 'Deathly Hallows' kepada 2 siri. I you really have to do a 2-parts movie go with 'The Order of The Phoenix'. Tapi dah terlambat sekarang.

Same goes with FB which I find quite 'average' for my liking. Mungkin aku mengharap something more refreshing sampaikan wujud satu ilusi yang filem kali ni akan bawakan satu benda yang baru. Since it is no longer based on book. They can do whatever they want with the plot. Natijahnya bila dah set kan expectation terlalu tinggi terhadap movie (based solely on trailers pulak tu) kekecewaan pasti menanti dikemudian hari.

And it happened to me. Sebab tu aku decided untuk abandoned nak buat any entry pasal FB. Tapi untuk abaikan FB secara total rasanya agak kejam and I need to write about it at least one. Not a review but my personal thought about it.

-SPOILER TERRITORY-

Kejam kalau kata FB langsung tak menarik cuma it just mildly pleasing for me. And I should expect this based from previous 8 HP movies. Jalan ceritanya berpotensi untuk menjadi menarik tapi ada adegan yang macam statik dan dibiarkan begitu sahaja. Oh, I do know that they are going to make like another 4 FB movies and they might spill more details in there but again being such a total jerk, deep down in my heart I hope it should just have ended with only one story. Sebab aku dengar the next one akan berkisar mengenai Dumbledore dan Gridewald. Rasa macam pelik sebab nak masukkan arc ni dalam siri FB. Aku rasa lagi wajar kalau buat cerita ni dipisahkan dan tak bercampur dengan FB.

Eddy Redmayne sebagai Newt Scamander done a really good job (Aku baru tahu dia ada berlakon dalam Jupiter Ascending. Another potential to be a great film but was wasted with horrible storyline). I do feel he really care about the beasts but somehow the connection is not shown enough. I need him with more scenes interacting with this fantastic beasts. Interacting in organic way sampai aku yakin kalau salah satu haiwan magik ni mati dia akan meroyan dan aku akan rasa benda yang sama. Bukan scene menangkap semua haiwan balik dan humban ke dalam beg semata-mata. The No-Maj guy, Job Kowalski is good also. He done a great job as the comic relief for the movie. Queenie is good also with her Ligilimency stuff but Tina, the heroin is quite forgettable. Dan si Yuna aka Seraphina, the President of MACUSA macam completely useless. What is she doing except buat muka judging? Do some magic stuff! President kut.

Yuna

Scene dalam beg dimana ditunjukkan bagaimana tempat habitat walaupun nampak macam zoo versi binatang sihir is a perfect example. Tapi dia macam sekejap sangat. Yet again jangan cerita pasal CGI dia. Left and right! And I wish they should used practical animation. Baru nampak macam raw dan lebih realistik. Rasanya tak mustahil untuk production team berbelanja lebih sikit kut buat haiwan robotik. Mungkin dah berbelanja sangat kut hired big name actors sebab tu budget kena potong untuk practical effect. Sapa suruh hired big names macam Eddy Redmayne (Academy Award Winner), rising star Ezra Miller (The Flash), Collin Farell, Johnny Depp etc. #SerkapJarang

Speaking of Johnny Depp (at the end he was revealed to be Gellert Grindewald), perasan tak hala tuju movie ni macam beriya betul fokus pasal Grindewald; the next arc punya storyline sampaikan tenggelam kisah Newt. Dah nama pun 'Fantastic Beasts and Where To Find Them' bukannya 'Grindewald with Fantastic Beasts and How To Catch Them'.

But the plot twist is quite good, because you know J.K Rowling and her tendency to twist some stuff with revealed of Credence (budak lelaki yang macam ada Autism (?)) as the Obscurus (entiti hitam berkabus tu) instead of her sister. This was a good revealed.

Dan akhir sekali kecewa sebab tak ada scene brutal magic war like people kiling like nobody business tapi yang dapat adalah scene kejar mengejar dan sedikit penggunaan magic basic. ZZZZZ. Ok aku tahu dia PG13 but at least show some good combat spell. Yelah kan sebab nature movie ni macam dark gritty plus dengan majoriti watak adalah orang dewasa. Instead kita dapat spell 'Alohomora'! Please use all three unforgivable curses will ya?

As conclusion, will I watch the second one? Yes, sebab aku nak tengok macam cerita ni akan berkembang lepas ni. Tapi aku bet the second one will revolve around Newt ex, Leta Lestrange, dan Grindewald akan pecah keluar dari penjara. Cuma aku harap pelis at least dapat lah tengok Ilvermony or Durmstrang (Grindewald's school), sikit pun takpe. And we shall wait like next year?

Pokemon Sun & Moon Dilemma: Which One To Choose?

Hi! Walaupun sekarang masyarakat tengah mengalami demam Pokemon GO, (To be honest, aku tak terfikir pun dia akan jadi satu fenomena) aku pulak sedang sibuk menimbang-tara versi Pokemon Sun & Moon (on Nintendo 3DS platform) yang manakah patut dibeli pada akhir November nanti.

Fyi I've already made a personal special 'tabung' for this game since last June because mind you, it's a freaking expensive game. Btw the 'tabung' is still short a couple of 20-30 ringgit, but somehow aku yakin aku akan berjaya mencapai target yang dikehendaki since sekarang baru lagi September *kekening*. Makanya, sumber kewangan should not be an issue right now. but WHICH version should I pick? 

For those of you who is not quite familiar with the Pokemon games. Especially they format they used when selling this game, here is a heads up for you before we indulge further with this important life-decision making. 

• Pokemon game selalunya akan keluar dalam dua versi. Trend ini adalah wajib bagi setiap release. Pokemon Red and Blue (1998), Pokemon Gold and Silver (1999), Pokemon Diamond and Pearl (2006), Pokemon X and Y (2013) and etc. 
• Gameplay untuk dua versi ini adalah sama cuma yang berbeza adalah jenis Pokemon dalam setiap versi. Contohnya dalam Pokemon Red akan ada Ekans, Mankey dan Oddish manakala dalam Pokemon Blue akan ada Sandshrew, Vulpix dan Meowth. Senang cerita bayangkan ada dua nasi lemak dari gerai yang sama tapi Nasi Lemak jenis A ada extra seperti ikan bilis dan sayur kangkung manakala Nasi Lemak jenis B ada kacang dan telur dadar. Same thing but slightly different ingredients.  
• Dikatakan matlamat buat dua versi ni adalah untuk menggalakkan 'trade in' diantara pemain-pemain. Tapi aku prefer motif utama dia adalah untuk kaut untung lebih supaya Poke Maniac diluar sana keluarkan duit lebih untuk beli dua-dua versi. More version means more profit!!
• Dan of course dalam setiap versi akan ada their own special legendary Pokemon. You can't get all the good things in life you know! You HAVE to choose. Unless if you have some extra pocket money.

Since tabung aku tu hanya cukup-cukup untuk membeli satu versi sahaja, then I need to choose. CAREFULLY.

Disebabkan pada saat entry ini ditulis, tiada lagi khabar berita untuk list Pokemon mana adalah eksklusif untuk versi mana, terpaksalah kita bergantung harap pada cover game sahaja. And let's start with.....

Pokemon Sun

So it's a mutated lion I see.....

Based what I got from the Pokemon website this legendary Pokemon is called as 'Solgaleo' with Physic and Steel type. Solgaleo kelihatan sungguh berotot especially dibahagian kaki aku rasa macam are you those type of people yang pergi ke gym lepas tu post tunjuk muscle dalam Instagram? Yes, I am quite intimidate by this image. Tetiba. But I do have a soft spot with Physic type of Pokemon.

Lepas tu perasan tak the design dia punyalah bersungguh nak tunjuk 'Sun' dia, dengan brightness cahaya matahari tu kalau boleh nak bagi mata silau kan? 

Pokemon Moon

It's a mutated bat I see.....

This is one is called as 'Lunala' with Physic and Ghost type. Aku macam prefer versi 'Moon' sebab one, I love dark motive. Second, the legendary is a Physic (yes!) and Ghost type Pokemon, But the design is waay too much. Dan ko tak rasa ke bentuk dia sejibik macam the Maleficent?  

As for now I am more lean towards Pokemon Moon but this is mainly because of the dark motive. Pokemon Sun is too bright for my taste. lol. But this might change if the list of version exclusive has been revealed since I've got my eyes on several Pokemon that I wanted to be in my team when exploring the Aloha Region. 

How about you guys? Which version do you prefer?

*This entry will be updated in time to time if some main information has been released to the public. 

Insecurities

They say that you should not believe the things you tell yourself so late at night. Because at this time some believe that your body and especially your mind is in vulnerable, fragile. This tendency also is prolly due to all the hassle that you've have been through all day long. Any thoughts (usually the negative stuff) might sneak into your mind and you might find yourself felt soo miserable afterwards. Especially if you are alone. So much for the advice and here I am writing about all of this at 1:00 am. 

This topic is by far the most personal thing ever that I've written so far. To be honest I'm not the type to write all this stuff to the public. I am after all a very private person. But by writing this, I hope it somehow will give me some kind of acknowledgement or acceptance to myself that I completely aware about this feeling and I'm starting to embrace it at the point that I will no longer trying to ditch and completely ignore it. It is somehow a part of me. A part of how I am now.

First, I admit that I'm among 'that' people who suffers and have to deal with insecurity in their life. At one point sometimes I will try avoid looking at the mirror. But somehow in real life I manage to get it under control by suppressing the feeling deep down as far as possible. Meanwhile while I'm on social media the insecurity is at rampant level. Since my social media are not followed by people in the real life that I neither know or meet in daily basis.

When I'm started to feel it,  like wildfire it consumed all over my body and drag myself back to this dark bottomless pit. The pit of hopelessness. Every day is a bad day and I will ramble like a hopeless soul at one point the substance of posts (in the social media) are getting repetitive. Words such as fat, useless, talentless started to appear like a daily mantra. Thank God that my level of insecurity nowadays is quite minimal compared to the last few years. Those years were insane.

Back in my collage life where I'm all young, naive and at the same time struggling to finish the course all alone, the experience was so overwhelmed that I started to question myself what am I really good at? What is exactly my specialty. I'm maybe not born genius but at least there must be something that I'm good at. But what? You know the need to validate yourself that 'I'm worthy'. If not to the public but most importantly to myself. Unfortunately, I've found none at that time.

That moment when meeting friends or other new people, I will automatically start thinking, "He's not that good in class but at least he's good in sports and drawing!" or "She's not that pretty but at least she's smart". The thoughts of judging yourself by comparing with others are inevitable. You know the feeling when you see everything is good, all rainbow in everyone's life but not yourself.

This then lead to excessive eating disorder where I channel myself to escape from all the dejection. Of course I've gained a few kilos after that. And of course when you are physically gained weight, people started to say things. Starting as jokes 'Ko gemuk lah' or 'Bila nak kurus balik ni?' it hurts deep inside. Fat shaming will never solve anything. And then worst of the worst started to happen. With you being morally down with academic stuff, being fat and worst possible not anyone there to be with you, the disappointment towards myself felt surreal and suicidal thoughts starting to emerge.

Soo much drama! But don't worry, I'm still living stronger than ever today. This past event is what I always like to view it as a part of me growing up. When you have been through the cruelest part of your life, you will start to appreciate the good stuff. You won't see the other part without the other. This 'dark era' of mine has changed me a lot in a way that I'm proud of myself today. How it shaped my perspective and altitude on certain issues, becoming more compassionate and among other things. It is priceless.

As for the insecure feeling, I've learnt that ALL people have their own insecurities and dealt with it everyday. But the thing is some of them might not show it up. Maybe at some point they do questioning about themselves just like my former self "Why I can't be just like this guy" or "Why can do like this?". Maybe it is human nature? I don't know. So basically I'm not alone in this. But at that time I didn't realize about this.  

I don't say that I'm completely free from this feeling. It just I handle it a lot better nowadays. Sometimes I do feel terrible, for example when I looking at other people blog post and started to feel "Man, their post is so much better than me in terms of language, contents and here I am posting about Kit-Kat..." Hahaha. You can't help yourself kan? Social media can really trigger this feeling mostly.

Have you ever felt insecure like when posted your selfie and then you started to feel "Buruknya aku". This happens to me a lot. And then I realized why the hell that I need to feel ashamed about myself. This is my face. And I end up not deleting those selfies on Instagram as encouragement to accept myself.

But the thing about insecurity is, this feeling always kept me grounded, felt more humble.

And one last thing, please do seek some friends, family. care-line, forums or anything where you can get the some support. Being alone dealing with this will not help you at all. 

Some Update

Post entry baru sahaja macam terus masuk 2016 lepas tu skip Januari macam where the hell was I'm doing for the last one month? Lagi membimbangkan bulan Februari pun dah berakhir nak masuk Mac macam, really? I'm wasting almost a month and half with doing nothing at all. Ok maybe I've done some contemplation session (the session mostly with me laying around on the bed) on how to improve my 'online presence' better. Ehem! But in my case the contemplation means "I need to do this" or "Do something you lazy big bontot!" and then ended up doing nothing. BOOOOO!!! Hangat-hangat tinja ayam.

Antara idea-idea yang macam berlegar-legar muncul hilang balik ialah:

• Buat novel bersiri setiap minggu dengan buat cliffhanger keji bagi pembaca merana ternanti-nanti episod seterusnya. Initially nak tulis genre dark tapi macam market sekarang more towards kepada love story. Terus revise plan nak buat storyline cerita 'chenta' very cheesy gila lagi cheesy melimpah ruah daripada KFC Cheesy Wedges since I need to have new readers and be famous asap. Lepas tu berangan ada publisher call nak publishkan cerita dalam buku. Lepas tu jadi laku keras. Lepas tu jadi adaptasi jadi drama pulak. The possibilities are infinite!! Ko tengok corrupted gila la budak ni. But again the commitment of writing weekly series is going to be hard to follow. Ok next thing.

• Buat personal Podcast since I'm soo into this podcast lately. This idea looks more promising kalau nak compare buat video untuk upload ke Youtube. Plus no need to worry about revealing my face hashtag #Insecurity #ImFragile. LOL. But yet again WHAT THE HELL I'M GOING TO TALK ABOUT?  

• Food review (barely eat nice food lately broke as hell), travelling post (serius lah duit ada ke), makeup review (Astagafirullahalhazim!)

• And lastly its coming back to the idea; kenapa ko tak maintain tulis blog ni saja on regular basis. Ini pun tak terkejar apatah lagi nak venture ke benda lain.

So yeah wish me very good luck lah woi dan please, aku tak akan post entry "Cara Menghilangkan Double Chin Part II".

Learning New Languages And The Struggle Behind It

Hi.

Let's talk something more serious and personal.

Sebagaimana yang korang tahu lagi-lagi yang mengikuti aku secara dekat di laman-laman sosial, aku sedang mempelajari bahasa baru dan dalam waktu yang sama memperbaiki Bahasa Inggeris. For those who don't know,  I'm learning Japanese by the way. Hendak dipermudahkan cerita lebih kurang 2 tahun (plus minus) aku belajar secara serius. Yup, 2 tahun. Tapi kalau nak diikutkan sebenarnya walaupun dah mencecah 2 tahun, peringkat aku sekarang ialah di bahagian beginner. Beginner macam budak tadika. 

Frustrated? Yes I am. Kalau difikirkan tempoh 2 tahun boleh masuk peringkat Intermediate which is basically aku boleh sudah boleh pergi Shibuya dan tayar menawar dengan tauke kedai musik untuk beli CD PERFUME. But I guess, the learning process is different for one person to another. Let's use myself as the subject here for the reason why I'm still unable to be in the stage I wanted to be right now.

1. Masa

Bila bukan status bukan lagi student, jadual waktu tidak lagi fleksibel. Juggling time here and there especially for work, personal time, resting, kadang-kadang rasa macam mustahil betul. Tapi kalau nak menyelit 5-10 minit tu boleh cuma nak tak nak sahaja. Tetapi selalunya memang tak nak.

2. Brain Capacity

I'm a no-brainer myself, really. Nak memahami konsep 'transitive verb' dengan 'intransitive verb' pun rasanya bukan main lama lagi otak nak serap. 

3. The Infamous 'M'

Malas. 

Ini hanya sebilangan faktor-faktor utama yang aku rasa betul-betul terkesan dengan proses pembelajaran. Nak listkan semua rasanya tak perlu. You get the idea. Tetapi kalau belajar bahasa baru ni kena ada betul-betul ada semangat dedikasi. Istiqamah juga sangat penting. Sebagai contoh, ini yang aku selalu nampak. 

-KES 1-

Melati ialah seorang kpoppers. Baginya dunia kpop ialah dunia yang sungguh mengkagumkan. Sebagai seorang VIP, dia seolah-olah merasa seperti datang tanggungjawabnya untuk memahami bahasa Kimchi ini. Bagaimana jikalau Big Bang membuat konsert di Malaysia? Bagaimana dia mahu berinteraksi dengan mereka secara berkesan apabila mereka tiba di airport kelak? Lantas Melati membeli kamus Korea-English di Kinokuniya. Hari demi hari, kamus entah kemana, Melati pun ntah kemana.

Ini kes tipikal sangat. Hangat-hangat tahi ayam. Mula-mula macam beriya betul. Tambahan pula dengan cara pembelajaran yang tak berapa betul dan material yang kurang berkesan dicampur pulak dengan motivasi yang datang pergi. Memang sah lepas ke laut lah jadinya. Thank God I've been through this. Aku selalu gelar stage ni sebagai 'Test Period' dimana kalau dah lepas 5-6 bulan dan ko masih lagi gigih belajar, well done you are good to go. 

Tetapi, jeng jeng aku dah masuk dalam fasa baru dimana bila tengok anything related to Japanese rasa meluuuuat sangat. Macam fed up. Sebab hari-hari duk mengadap benda yang sama lepas tu progress rasa slow sangat. Tambahan pulak rasa macam banyak sangat nak kena cover; grammar, vocab, reading, writing, kanji stuff(!!!), listening, pronunciation. Lepas tu terbaca pulak artikel ni. Mak aih! Demotivated langsung. Disebabkan tu kadang-kadang aku buat keputusan rehat lah dalam seminggu dua macam tu. Sebab macam dah burnout.

Tapi jangan salah faham pula, entry ni bukan macam nak hilangkan semangat untuk belajar bahasa baru. Cuma saja nak bagi sedikit paparan realiti apa nak di expect kalau nak belajar bahasa baru. So you can get prepared dan tidak dikaburi dengan harapan-harapan palsu. Tapi biasalah apa-apa pun mula-mula memang struggle habis tapi manisnya bila ko dapat capai level fluency yang ko nak nanti. 

If you're also currently learning new language even English, please don't hesitate to share you struggle and pain in comment section below. It will help ease the suffering. Trust me. Until next time.

Blog Is Dead

"Sekarang ni mana ada orang tulis blog dah. Zaman menulis blog ni dah berlalu dah"

Statement di atas kadang-kadang aku baca macam rimas betul. 'Renyang' orang kata. Bila sesetengah blogger yang masih lagi setia semangat update blog mereka bila kadang-kadang ada yang cakap macam tu secara bersahaja macam ko dah kenapa sebenarnya? Nak lunturkan semangat orang ke? Kalau diri sendiri rasa tak nak update blog sendiri mungkin sebab kekurangan pembaca, hilang motivasi ataupun ada kekangan masa tak perlu lah rasanya nak tarik orang lain sekali dengan kau dengan mengatakan "having a blog is not a current trend right now".

To be honest,

1. Disebabkan mostly ramai kawan blogger ko berhenti menulis tak bermaksd blog dah mati. It's just within in your surrounding. Not for the others. I do believe tons of new blog created everyday.

2. Saying micro social networking is the thing to be blame here. Updating blog is merely a useless thing to do right now. Well, ada sedikit kebenarannya disini. Tapi the correct word to be use in this context is actually malas. Malas nak mengarang. Malas nak upload berdozen gambar. Malas nak proof read. (lol. This is like describing myself).

Kalau nak bandingkan upload satu gambar dan dapat banyak likes mahupun tweet satu ayat yang kurang daripada 140 abjad tetapi mendapat ramai respon dengan mengarang 10 perenggan yang cukup dengan pendahuluan dan penutup tetapi tak ada 1-2 komen dan perlu blogwalking pula macam esok tiada lagi untuk mendapat lebihan views, yang mana satu yang akan jadi pilihan? 

I admit it that the main reason I'm rarely blogging right now is clearly stated in point number 2. Ketepi kan alasan writer's blok lah, banyak komitmen lah, tiada masa lah which is basically is bullsh*t sebab you will even crawl with a limped leg like suster ngesot (God forbid) kalau ko bersungguh nak buat sesuatu.

This entry is not a comeback konon-konon penutup ni nak bagi declare akan aktif berblogging selepas kebangkitan entry seperti ini macam heh! Dah banyak kali buat macam tu rasa macam menipu diri sendiri betul. It's seems like I want to do some sort of clarification or confession. #KeepItClean

Isu ni sebenarnya boleh diperhalusi dan didebatkan lagi tapi disebabkan MALAS kita akhirkan saja isu itu disini. *sambung baring atas tilam*