Insecurities

They say that you should not believe the things you tell yourself so late at night. Because at this time some believe that your body and especially your mind is in vulnerable, fragile. This tendency also is prolly due to all the hassle that you've have been through all day long. Any thoughts (usually the negative stuff) might sneak into your mind and you might find yourself felt soo miserable afterwards. Especially if you are alone. So much for the advice and here I am writing about all of this at 1:00 am. 

This topic is by far the most personal thing ever that I've written so far. To be honest I'm not the type to write all this stuff to the public. I am after all a very private person. But by writing this, I hope it somehow will give me some kind of acknowledgement or acceptance to myself that I completely aware about this feeling and I'm starting to embrace it at the point that I will no longer trying to ditch and completely ignore it. It is somehow a part of me. A part of how I am now.

First, I admit that I'm among 'that' people who suffers and have to deal with insecurity in their life. At one point sometimes I will try avoid looking at the mirror. But somehow in real life I manage to get it under control by suppressing the feeling deep down as far as possible. Meanwhile while I'm on social media the insecurity is at rampant level. Since my social media are not followed by people in the real life that I neither know or meet in daily basis.

When I'm started to feel it,  like wildfire it consumed all over my body and drag myself back to this dark bottomless pit. The pit of hopelessness. Every day is a bad day and I will ramble like a hopeless soul at one point the substance of posts (in the social media) are getting repetitive. Words such as fat, useless, talentless started to appear like a daily mantra. Thank God that my level of insecurity nowadays is quite minimal compared to the last few years. Those years were insane.

Back in my collage life where I'm all young, naive and at the same time struggling to finish the course all alone, the experience was so overwhelmed that I started to question myself what am I really good at? What is exactly my specialty. I'm maybe not born genius but at least there must be something that I'm good at. But what? You know the need to validate yourself that 'I'm worthy'. If not to the public but most importantly to myself. Unfortunately, I've found none at that time.

That moment when meeting friends or other new people, I will automatically start thinking, "He's not that good in class but at least he's good in sports and drawing!" or "She's not that pretty but at least she's smart". The thoughts of judging yourself by comparing with others are inevitable. You know the feeling when you see everything is good, all rainbow in everyone's life but not yourself.

This then lead to excessive eating disorder where I channel myself to escape from all the dejection. Of course I've gained a few kilos after that. And of course when you are physically gained weight, people started to say things. Starting as jokes 'Ko gemuk lah' or 'Bila nak kurus balik ni?' it hurts deep inside. Fat shaming will never solve anything. And then worst of the worst started to happen. With you being morally down with academic stuff, being fat and worst possible not anyone there to be with you, the disappointment towards myself felt surreal and suicidal thoughts starting to emerge.

Soo much drama! But don't worry, I'm still living stronger than ever today. This past event is what I always like to view it as a part of me growing up. When you have been through the cruelest part of your life, you will start to appreciate the good stuff. You won't see the other part without the other. This 'dark era' of mine has changed me a lot in a way that I'm proud of myself today. How it shaped my perspective and altitude on certain issues, becoming more compassionate and among other things. It is priceless.

As for the insecure feeling, I've learnt that ALL people have their own insecurities and dealt with it everyday. But the thing is some of them might not show it up. Maybe at some point they do questioning about themselves just like my former self "Why I can't be just like this guy" or "Why can do like this?". Maybe it is human nature? I don't know. So basically I'm not alone in this. But at that time I didn't realize about this.  

I don't say that I'm completely free from this feeling. It just I handle it a lot better nowadays. Sometimes I do feel terrible, for example when I looking at other people blog post and started to feel "Man, their post is so much better than me in terms of language, contents and here I am posting about Kit-Kat..." Hahaha. You can't help yourself kan? Social media can really trigger this feeling mostly.

Have you ever felt insecure like when posted your selfie and then you started to feel "Buruknya aku". This happens to me a lot. And then I realized why the hell that I need to feel ashamed about myself. This is my face. And I end up not deleting those selfies on Instagram as encouragement to accept myself.

But the thing about insecurity is, this feeling always kept me grounded, felt more humble.

And one last thing, please do seek some friends, family. care-line, forums or anything where you can get the some support. Being alone dealing with this will not help you at all.