Deep

Beberapa bulan lepas aku berharap masa bulan April tiba nanti akan ada perubahan positif dalam kehidupan aku sehari-hari. Aku akan tinggalkan kehidupan yang lama dan mulakan era kehidupan yang baru. Well, April sudah tiba dan of course I'm a bit happier than before but still this is not what I wanted. 

Aku dah agak dah perasaan ini akan berkunjung tiba juga. Walhal hati kecil aku pun ada berbisik memberi petanda perkara ini akan terjadi tapi aku macam buat tak kisah saja. Mungkin bahagian diri aku yang pesimis cuba datang nak mengacau.

Kadang-kadang aku fikir kenapa aku tak macam orang lain? Just follow the system. I mean working 8 to 5 and then sleep, then repeat this cycle until the end of my life.Why I have this feeling of proving to myself that I can do more than this. Even worse is that on which path should I go? Which path could bring me to the extinct of happiness or satisfaction that I really wanted? 

Am I reading too much about the ideal concept of having a better life? Thus deluded my feeling in getting a wrong perception. Or am I being bombarded too much with the ideology of millennial coming of age? Which in some degree we could achieve success and satisfaction of life in other different ways compared to other older generation.

This is getting serious out of sudden. lol. But forgive me this thing just bothered me since my college day. And years after that it still haunted me whenever it can. When things got way too complicated I will try to brush it off my mind like it is not a big deal. Hence, the unsolved problematic keep on dragging until now.

When setting the 'goal' of our existence in life what do we really want? Or specifically my own self. Being rich? Becoming famous? etc. and after that what else? I've tried to set up the goals to non-monetary stuff but again when you don't have enough money it is just impossible. 

Just to be clear, I'm glad at what state I am right now even though it is not what I really wanted. Hoping that one day, that one random day, that I will found 'it' and can declared myself to be free from this shitty feeling once for all. Who knows maybe it is just a simple thing.