Diverge

Let's say that I'm not happy with what I'm doing right now. The term 'happy' itself can be subjective and different depends on individual. Some people can have a chocolate bar and can considered them self happy but to some, having a chocolate is not enough. It must filled with nuts and made with white chocolate. And maybe to some having one bite of chocolate is merely enough. Life is tricky I know. It can be more tricky if you do not know what is the purpose of your life. 

I've been constantly asking myself whether what I am doing all these years is really what I wanted in my life. Deep down in my heart I know it is not. But due to other commitments, I can't get out from this situation yet. Not now. Plus, when I look at to my surrounding, almost everyone didn't feel happy with what they are doing right now but still doing it for the sake of 'living'. I should be ok.

Almost a decade after that, it comes back. After repressing it for so long it haunts me back. Maybe it was triggered by recent changes that happened in my life. But why do I have this feeling? Why can't I just ignore it and just move with follow? Why there is so much resistance?

Perhaps I can't be like them. Like people from surrounding. I need to found out what is 'happy' meant for me. So I've decided to make a drastic decision to change my life. It is about time that I'm thinking about myself. Not from other people's view about happiness and applied it into my life. I'm not going to repress it once again and when it comes for the third time it's just to late to do anything. Let's be honest here when you are 40-ish and you feel like making major changes in your life, it is quite hard. Possible but hard. 

It is was risky decision. I know it. There are tons of possibilities that will happen next. I'm not going to sugar coat anything by saying that I'm not worried. I am. But at least for the first time in my life I'm going to take the lead and decided for myself where it is going to be next. Wish me luck.